Do something for your self, or don't do it at all.

I finally got a job, it's not exactly what i wanted to do, but it's a job nonetheless. In a few weeks time i'll get paid money that i have earnt myself, this makes me happy. Life is suprisingly good at the moment, i'm not going to dwell on certain things that have made me upset, because well, whats the point?. This summer i'm going  to go to Belgium and the Czech republic. I can't wait. Gives me something to look forward to and save up for. 2010 will be a good year, i'm going to make sure of it.

they say you never realise how much something means to you until its gone. true that.

october leaves.

People are ignorant, people are arrogant, people are scum. Well, the majority atleast. Theres a handful that are genuine, or so i hope. It may sound as if i'm being rather negative but i'm really not, just realistic. It just makes me angry when you are all oblivious when it comes to people who are genuinley bad people. Open your eyes. Is it not obvious to you that they aren't kind, they aren't nice, so why are you so convinced they are?  This city, is full to the brim of terible people, this summer, i'm getting out of here. That's not a proposition, it's a promise.

j'adore l'hiver

I need to vent.
The world does not revolve around you. It makes me laugh, you feel the need to make inside jokes about me to someone you've met twice. At first i felt upset, then it turned to anger, now it's just pity. I'm happy with who i am, so i really could not care less what your opinion on me is. I'm not arrogant, i don't think i'm better than people so just drop it it's boring now. This is my last post about this whole situation because i really cannot be bothered to waste my time. I just needed to get that out. 3 years down the drain.

your scum.

Fear

Some people never learn, no remorse, no respect, no nothing. At the end of the day everything happens for a reason. I'll live.

i wish we didnt have emotions sometimes
it just makes everything too confusing.

p.s

i need to control my anger.

im really excited about this winter.
im really excited about life.
i want to meet new people, get closer to the people ive drifted from, spend time with the people i love most.

theres a handful of people that i hold close to my heart, and it's getting less and less constantly.
i don't know how alot of them feel about me anymore. It really gets to me.
then there are other cases when i know exactly how they feel and i don't want to believe it.
when friends turn to aquaintances, when the ones you've loved turn to strangers, it gets you down.
i'm in a positive mindset, but its something thats on my mind lately.
i've met so many new people over the last few weeks, it's amazing how quickly friendships have been made and how close everyone seems already, however i still miss my other friends.
at times i hate emotions, i hate humanity, i truly do.
Tonight i realised how much i love one of my closest friends, sometimes its odd how something you think would push you apart, brings you closer.
This post is all over the place but oh well, just need to vent a tad.
I also came to the conclusion yesterday that i have changed, i'm glad. I don't care what you all think of me, im happy with who i am, i'm proud of the person i've become.
I also realised, i don't need a certain someone in a certain way, i was a fool for being so stupid. Your a liar, a player and a user. You said it, friends, and thats how it will always be regardless of what happens in the future, that was your last chance.
I realised that i want to be a photographer, it's what i want to do, i've got determination, i will do it.
I realised that stupid little girls that make up rumours don't deserve my time.
I realised that i need to stop letting myself get into a position where i'm messed around.
I realised that i need to start working hard and get organised & responsible.
I realised alot basically.

i want to feel lips brush against mine.
i want to feel arms wrapped round me.
i want to fall for someone that falls for me too.


it'd be nice :)

p.s. i need to invest in a diary.

this is going to be an interesting night

Today: Saturday 19 September

Quite an intensely emotional Saturday is in store, especially when it comes to romance. You may be suffocating a partner with your demands, though. Ease up a little and give people their freedom. You know how the old saying goes: if you love someone, let them go free. If they come back, they're yours - if they don't, they never were.

I'm happy right now.
I love the feeling after cutting someone loose that holds you back.
Only been at college just over a week but i'm enjoying it so much, i'm liking this whole fresh start business. Met some lovely people already, can't wait to meet more.
What i'm looking forward to now is;
Gravemaker
Alexisonfire
Halloween (being a zombie air hostess or a pin up girl)
Also i would like to add,  i hate liars.
I STILL havent figured out what i want to be when i'm older. If you've read my posts then you'll know that right at the start i was trying to get a slight idea about what i would like to aim to be. Right now i just think that i'd be interested in doing something either; to do with saving the enviroment, something in photography, something with animals. Just rough ideas really. Hmmm! But yeh, lifes good. Positive outlook.

done with you. time for a fresh start i think.  fingers crossed someone lovely will pop out of thin air.
unlikely. but theres always hope, isn't there?

grab my hand,
i clench my fist.
lean in to me
i reject your kiss.
your eyes glaze over
i hardly blink
is my heart still there
oh i dread to think.

my minds a mess, so confused, so complicated. Why can't this just be simple, why can't everything just be simple? Tonight was so good, but now i'm so confused. Lonely, puzzled and scared. Give me a sign, anything, please?

I hate it when i'm put into a situation where i don't know what to say, i don't want someone to get hurt, but i don't want a friend to be angry with me. It's hard to reassure when you know the truth. I don't want to get involved, however i already am, without even choosing to be. I hate seeing people suffer.

birthday

I actually feel older even though its just another day. Last night made me extremely positive, i'm suprised that something i thought at first was trivial and frivilous, turned out to be helpful. On another note, i decided i'm ready to claim edge, so now i have. I'll probably get stick for it, but i'm doing it for myself so whatever. I spent some quality time with family which really meant alot to me. Just thought i'd update you with a few things, if anybody even reads this. Monday i met someone lovely, fingers crossed this time things will work out. Tuesday i went to Grantham with lauren & tess, wait in vain pulled out the show, however it was just nice to hangout with alex & will, i see those boys once in a blue moon. Wednesday was also nice, i really did miss my best friend, a day out of peterborough was definitley what we needed. Now i've sorted nearly everything out that was making me feel negative, feel like a weights been lifted. The end of the summer is looming closer now, I'm going to make sure i don't waste the next couple of weeks. So excited about Wednesday-down to nothing, bane, lewd acts & gold kids. I also need to complete my summer assignment by then. Wish me luck!

OH AND I ALSO GOT MY RESULTS,
1 A*, 3 A'S, 3 B'S & 3 C'S :D

i've been staying so cold that my hearts turned to ice.

3.24am

theres so many people that i want back in my life, the people that have hurt me in the past or caused themselves to be pushed out of my life. Theres certain people who i need back, i can't carry on holding grudges even if it wasn't my fault. I don't understand if i'm stubborn or just afraid. My money's on afraid.

I start college in under 3 weeks and this summer i feel like I've achieved hardly anything, It started off amazing i was so positive but in the space of a month i've lost my best friend, been messed around yet again and also i've now lost the little confidence i gained this year. Things can only get better, i mean, life's not totally awful, i just feel like before i can become happy again i need to address the issues that made me struggle to stay positive.

Please

Leave my heart as you found it.

short female pessimist seeks tall optimistic male to keep her positive and happy.
Preferably have blue eyes, cheeky smile and slight facial hair.
Any chance of this?

i'm not naive, i'm just stupid

stay cold hannah, stay cold.

people confuse me so much. You can't expect me to carry on how things were when its not the same. You can't expect me to run after you when i don't know where im running. You can't expect me to wait whilst you make up your mind because you never seem to come to any conclusions.

posi

Lost concepts of reality
Make loose the screws that secure my sanity
I take a look at my life
What it's all about
The answers bring me pain
And I want out

I pulled you close because the world failed us both
Always knowing nothing could stay gold
The navigator of pain points my way once more
I will always stay cold

You can't hurt me anymore
I stay cold forevermore

So alone
But you can't hurt me anymore

i'm sat here shaking with anger. I feel as if i could write paragraph after paragraph to try explain how i feel. To try even touch on how something so ridiculous has made me so angry is going to be hard. Here i go.


FUCK THE WORLD.


fin.

its time to

conquer my fears, destroy my phobias, stop with this paranoia, and stay cold.

why can't i just know where i stand, all the time.

Lauren Fitzgerald

Is an absolute beaut. I'm going to keep this short & sweet. I cherish our friendship so much, it's been since i was like 13 now. The time we've spent together especially over the last few months has been so good, she's become one of my best friends. I really respect her, she's like the older sister i never had. She doesn't fail to cheer me up when i'm down, Listen when i need to rant, Give me useful advice and help me keep up my PMA! One of my truest friends without a doubt xo

i think

it's time to start cherishing my youth. I've spent the past few months doing practically nothing, i need to make sure i spend my time wisely from now on. The concept of not caring about people who don't care about me has slowly started to sink in. Everythings going good for me at the moment, i don't care if i'm not liked by every single person in this city, i'm happy with the friends i have, my family are pure beauts & I met a really lovely guy a couple of weeks ago, I've been having butterflies constantly since. Life's good right now.

short and sweet

i've finally realised
i'd rather be hated for who i am, than loved for who i'm not
fin.

Well

i met you at the bloodbank



It hasn't even been a week, and i feel like this.
Then all of that happens, and i still feel like this.

00:10

i need to pull myself together, i tell myself to stay positive all the time, yet i'm constantly left feeling like it's just a front. Underneath my skin i feel as if i'm negative, maybe not even that. Maybe just aware of what people are like. I build up walls to block people out, to try keep myself safe, from being hurt, from being used, from everything that i've had happen in the past happening again. You may say not all people are like that, but when i think about it more and more. We really are, we just aren't aware of it. I am, i hurt people. Not intentionally, but i do. You never realise it until you think about the people that you hurt without meaning to are most likely the people who would probably not hurt you. These people are the ones who would most likely cherish you the most, but we look past this. Sometimes i feel as if people are these amazing creatures that are filled with so much love and compassion. Othertimes i see beneath these few acts of kindness and i see people who hurt, who cheat, who lie, who decieve. It's not just some of us though. We all do it. Every single one of us, me & you, him & her. But that's life i guess, we have to get on with it, which we do. It's a shame it happens, nothing will change it, however sometimes just the realisation of the matter helps you to get on with life. Knowing it's a fact of life, that EVERYONE does it at some point, it helps you to realise that it's not as bad as it seems. Just that alone makes you realise that life can suck, but it goes on.

Yesterday

made me realise have rubbish Peterborough is. I want to get out as much as possible from now on. Still in such a good mood from last night. This summer should be one to remember, and hopefully when september and college come around things will be just as good. Now i just need motivation to go look for a job and maybe someone to share my summer with?

Everything changes. For better or for worse. Nothing stays the same. People are going to walk in and out of your life. You just have to get on with it and deal with it. Sometimes life kicks you down, just get the fuck back up. Keep your head held high, keep that sparkle in your eye and keep positive. Because no matter how bad you feel things are, everything gets better. Lifes a fucking rollercoaster, theres ups and downs, you just have to enjoy the ride.

i

wonder

today

I got told a secret, I'm going to keep it.

trevor and his bag of frogs

As we wandered round the streets of Hampton, we bumped into a man named Trevor on a bicycle with a bag of frogs and a rather refreshing outlook on life. He spoke words that made me think, words that i found inspiring and i couldn't help but smile. Although from my description he may sound rather odd, he wasn't odd, well his optimism may come across as odd in a world that seems to have lost hope and faith. I myself don't know what i believe in anymore religion wise. Living in a world where I'm surrounded by 'god free youth' and upside down crosses, makes me sometimes question if God is real, so many people expressing their atheist views makes you start to lose the little faith you have left. And living in a world where every day so many people die due to conflict caused by religion, people fighting for their god, against your god, to please a god, you start to wonder if you really want to believe in religion if it has such devastating consequences. But back to my story, as you may have gathered from reading some of my posts I'm a believer in luck, and i try my best to avoid attracting bad luck. So when we saw Trevor bike across 3 drains we instantly warned him of what he'd done, this to you may sound stupid however Nina and I take it seriously. Trevor stopped his bicycle, turned around to us and said words that made me question what i believe, it went something like this "I'm a man who believes in God, I put all my trust and faith into the alpha the omega, the see all and know all, do you think he'd let a few drains hurt me?" These words opened my eyes, I'm still not sure what i believe, but it made me happy to think that someone had so much faith and hope for something that so many people are so derogatory about, something so many people feel the need to cuss. It wasn't just Trevor's optimism that surprised me, after talking to us for a while he took a Tesco's carrier bag off his bicycle and revealed the contents to us. There were two green frogs sat there looking up at us, he had been moving them off the damp road so they didn't get hit by cars, then releasing them into the lake. Such faith, optimism and compassion is admirable in my eyes. And As Trevor cycled off, the cross around his neck swung from side to side, the lights he'd placed on his hat light up the path ahead and I stood in awe of the man I'd just met.

Mmmmm

i love it when out of nowhere, something good happens. Such a positive outlook lately, If anyone even bothers trying to get me down i'm not having any of it.

finally

i feel happy.
i actually feel happy, for no reason really whatsoever, but i'm smiling.
For the last few days now, i've been so happy.
I think i've finally figured out i don't need some things and some people in my life.
That i'm better off without them.
From now on, i'm going to follow my head abit more instead of always my heart.

This probably

sounds ridiculous, and makes me out to be a nasty, bitch person. But i'm going to try and stop talking about other people in a negative way, or atleast cut down on it. I feel like I'm becoming rather bitchy and i don't like that side of me. So starting from tommorow, i'm going to refrain from making comments about people even if they're horrible about me. I know it's human nature, C'est la vie and all of that, but I don't want to become what i've grown to detest, i don't want to become like the people who have made me feel insecure and upset in the past. So tommorow is day 1. Wish me luck.

Sometimes

i wish that i could turn the clocks back, see how things could have been.
I believe everything happens for a reason, but is it always a good reason?

friendship

is what i feel one of the most important things you gain from life. Yes material possesions are great whilst they last but when you're dead and gone they mean nothing. When your six feet under the latest gadget isn't really going to come in handy is it? I feel as if i need to rekindle lost friendships, there are so many people whom i've drifted apart from. Yesterday i was delighted to spend time with a few friends that i hadnt seen in over a year. It made me realise that i can't just let friendships fade, i need to cherish them & embrace them. I'm going to make it a priority to spend more time with old friends as well as my new ones. In my opinion life is nothing if your on your own or if you buy your friends. Being surrounded by people who genuinely love you for who you are is what means the most.

I have the feeling

This Summer is going to be one to remember. I'm feeling more positive now, i actually opened my eyes for once, wide enough to see that of course life's going to knock me down sometimes, but i've just got to get back up as soon as it does. So from now on instead of letting these bad times get the best of me, i'm going to just push them aside and get on with my life. If people get me down then instead of it getting to me, i'm going to rise above them and not let myself sink to their level. If I'm only an option to someone i'm not going to make them a priority. I don't care if you think i'm spewing out cliche after cliche, because even if i am, atleast it's a way of life that's going to keep me positive instead of letting myself feel down. I'm going to live my life how I want and at the end of the day "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

bite your tounge child

People don't take time to listen. They jump to their own conclusions or just block out what you have to say. Once in a while I'd like to just be able to explain how I'm feeling or why I'm acting in certain ways. People need to actually think before they speak, sometimes they don't understand just how hurt you can get from what they say. The last couple of days my emotions have been all over the place, and sometimes it'd be nice if people could accept that and not just make it worse.But obviously not. It's also strange that sometimes you think your okay with things but actually, you feel as if there's a sinking feeling in your stomach every time you think about the situation. You realise that your putting on a brave face, behind that smile there's a girl who's hope is starting to fade away. Disregarding age, the heart is still a very delicate thing. It's a horrible feeling when you see that actually your not fine, things aren't okay, your left alone, again.

They say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but that's so very hard to believe when you feel like this.

Luck

One for sorrow,

Two for joy

Three for a girl

Four for a boy

Five for silver

Six for gold

Seven for a secret never to be told.

Lately i've been feeling rather confused & nothing seemed to be working out.

But all of a sudden, for some unknown strange reason, i feel as if my lucks changing for the better, fingers crossed eh?

Don't you think

It's strange when the tables turn?

sometimes...

...you don't know where you stand in this world

in regards

to my blog entitled 'as i lay'. I'd like to state that;

1.)I do not claim edge, at no point in the blog did i even mention the words 'straight edge' I just feel that i would like to persue a life that is 'drug free'. I do not plan on claiming edge underage and would wait until im 18 to decide whether or not i would consider it.

2.)I wrote it not to preach in the slightest, I even said "I'm not preaching I'm just stating what I believe in, everyone is different, this is simply what i'm choosing to do".

3.)I wrote it so i got a chance to explain why i'm choosing not to drink, smoke & do drugs, before people found a way to get at me for it or to put me down in some way or another for it.

4.)I don't think being edge is something to brag about or think its really cool or makes you superior. I never said that, or implied that. I simply wrote my reasons for choosing to avoid harmful substances.

5.)I have never judged people for choosing to smoke or drink or whatever, i don't really agree with it but i don't judge people for it. Everyone's different and i respect that. I'm not one to judge.

I'm choosing to not put shit into my body, thats my choice, im not trying to brag over the internet or whatever. Because it's nothing to brag about. I wrote the post so i could explain before people got at me for this choice.

truth

i feel, is something that should be spoken without hesitation in nearly every situation we are thrown into. There are obviously some exceptions, however over the years that i've resided on this planet i've come to despise liars. Truth, verity & honesty are the best policies in my eyes. Over the last month one of my closest friends became someone i now want nothing to do with. Looking back i feel that i was foolish to have ever let him close to me and my family, he lied, he was selfish & he is a user. I was warned about him before and i dismissed any negative comments i heard. True friends are hard to come by, I found out the hard way that this particular person was not true at all. Since then I doubt people alot more, i have to constantly reassure myself to give people a chance, I worry that people arent as nice as they seem. I don't understand the logic behind a liars mind, i cannot comprehend why people lie to impress or decieve. I also cannot stress enough the importance of being true to yourself, to what you believe in, to who you are. Nowadays everybody seems to change their opinions in order to follow trends or to impress people, why i ask? You shouldnt believe in anything for anyone but yourself. Don't let anyone else change how you think or what you believe in, because at the end of the day your the only person who's going to be with you for the rest of your life. Don't kid yourself, just do what you think is right. You have a mind, so use it!

Déjà vu

French for 'Already Seen', A strange feeling where you are certain what your seeing has happened before, as if your living out something that's already occurred, when in fact you've never been in the situation before. Down to a 'glitch in the matrix', psychic tendencies, a momentary infinitesimal lag in the operation of two co-active sensory nerve centers that commonly function simultaneously or maybe we're reliving events that happened in a past life? I don't know what causes it, but i do know that it happens to me, nearly every single day of my life without fail. It's not just eerie but also concerns me, feeling like your reliving scenes of your life that never actually happened isn't really that fun when it's on a daily basis. There is so many explanations for Deja Vu, however all of the scientific jargon in the world cannot reassure me that my life is not on repeat. These constant episodes of this odd happening are making me question so many things that i once had no doubt in. Life is so very complicated, and lately my mind is trying to discover and uncover so much about myself and the world i'm living in. I may not be able to grasp why this is happening but all i can say is that Neo is nowhere to be seen!

as i lay

on my bed sunshine gleams through my blinds, the summer is finally here. Over the last few days I've spent a lot of time travelling. I haven't yet decided on what career i want to aim for, however It's given me time to think about my life, the person I've become and also the person I aspire to be. I've come to the conclusion that the life i want to lead is one that's drug free, i don't want to put poisons into my body for what's considered 'fun'. This is my choice, I'm not preaching I'm just stating what i believe in, everyone is different, this is simply what I'm choosing to do. It's not an overnight decision, as the people who know me well will know,I've never really been a fan of drinking, even when i did have the occasional drink of alcohol It was once in a blue moon. For the last few months i have been sober and this is how I'm going to stay. At the start of this year i stayed sober for 2 months and then had a sip of beer as i thought 'oh what's the harm in a sip' but it made me see that maybe there isn't so much harm in a sip, but what does it achieve? Nothing. I do however see the harm in excessive drinking. I don't want to ever find myself where I'm not in control of my actions, or I have put myself in a dangerous or embarrassing situation because of harmful substances. I don't want to waste money on them, when it could go towards something that actually has a purpose. I don't want to lose or push away the ones i love because of them. I don't want to watch my mind deteriorate with every day that passes, i don't want to have problems later on in life because of them. I don't want to make a fool out of myself because of them. I don't want to resort to them when i feel sad or sorry for myself. I don't want to do drugs, drink or smoke. End of. I'm not writing this to try push what i've come to believe down other peoples throats, or to boast or to try make out as if i dislike people who choose to do them, I'm writing this so that I have a chance to explain myself before i get people trying to get at me for it, before people put me down in some way or another for it. I want to be drug free, so therefore i am. You can go on about how when i'm 18 i'll change my mind or whatever, and about how I'm doing it to follow some stupid trend. But I know why i'm doing this, I'm doing this for myself.

8.21pm

At this moment in time I'm perched on my bed, the sound of Pat Flynn's voice chanting 'Something more than ink!' is drifting into my ears from my Ipod speakers and I'm trying to decide what i want to achieve in life. I mean yes I'm only young, but there is only a few more exams left & I've officially left compulsory education. It's took this long for me to realise I'm actually leaving the confines of High school, the very thing I've yearned and longed for since day one. But ironically, I feel maybe a couple more years there wouldn't be too bad, would it? Oh well, College it is, no doubt about it. But once I've finished my A-levels, what then? I feel like i want a rough idea of where I'm going in life, aspirations, goals, anything! The tiniest arrow pointing me in the direction of my future would be appreciated right now. I'm probably sounding a tad over dramatic, but i feel as if i need to decide soon what i want out of life. I don't want to end up in a dead end 9-5 job for the rest of my life, I've worked hard in my exams and i don't want it to go to waste. I wan't to do something that i will be known for, remembered for, respected for. I think i need to start figuring out just what I'm going to do with my life from now on. xo