short and sweet

i've finally realised
i'd rather be hated for who i am, than loved for who i'm not
fin.

Well

i met you at the bloodbank



It hasn't even been a week, and i feel like this.
Then all of that happens, and i still feel like this.

00:10

i need to pull myself together, i tell myself to stay positive all the time, yet i'm constantly left feeling like it's just a front. Underneath my skin i feel as if i'm negative, maybe not even that. Maybe just aware of what people are like. I build up walls to block people out, to try keep myself safe, from being hurt, from being used, from everything that i've had happen in the past happening again. You may say not all people are like that, but when i think about it more and more. We really are, we just aren't aware of it. I am, i hurt people. Not intentionally, but i do. You never realise it until you think about the people that you hurt without meaning to are most likely the people who would probably not hurt you. These people are the ones who would most likely cherish you the most, but we look past this. Sometimes i feel as if people are these amazing creatures that are filled with so much love and compassion. Othertimes i see beneath these few acts of kindness and i see people who hurt, who cheat, who lie, who decieve. It's not just some of us though. We all do it. Every single one of us, me & you, him & her. But that's life i guess, we have to get on with it, which we do. It's a shame it happens, nothing will change it, however sometimes just the realisation of the matter helps you to get on with life. Knowing it's a fact of life, that EVERYONE does it at some point, it helps you to realise that it's not as bad as it seems. Just that alone makes you realise that life can suck, but it goes on.

Yesterday

made me realise have rubbish Peterborough is. I want to get out as much as possible from now on. Still in such a good mood from last night. This summer should be one to remember, and hopefully when september and college come around things will be just as good. Now i just need motivation to go look for a job and maybe someone to share my summer with?

Everything changes. For better or for worse. Nothing stays the same. People are going to walk in and out of your life. You just have to get on with it and deal with it. Sometimes life kicks you down, just get the fuck back up. Keep your head held high, keep that sparkle in your eye and keep positive. Because no matter how bad you feel things are, everything gets better. Lifes a fucking rollercoaster, theres ups and downs, you just have to enjoy the ride.

i

wonder

today

I got told a secret, I'm going to keep it.

trevor and his bag of frogs

As we wandered round the streets of Hampton, we bumped into a man named Trevor on a bicycle with a bag of frogs and a rather refreshing outlook on life. He spoke words that made me think, words that i found inspiring and i couldn't help but smile. Although from my description he may sound rather odd, he wasn't odd, well his optimism may come across as odd in a world that seems to have lost hope and faith. I myself don't know what i believe in anymore religion wise. Living in a world where I'm surrounded by 'god free youth' and upside down crosses, makes me sometimes question if God is real, so many people expressing their atheist views makes you start to lose the little faith you have left. And living in a world where every day so many people die due to conflict caused by religion, people fighting for their god, against your god, to please a god, you start to wonder if you really want to believe in religion if it has such devastating consequences. But back to my story, as you may have gathered from reading some of my posts I'm a believer in luck, and i try my best to avoid attracting bad luck. So when we saw Trevor bike across 3 drains we instantly warned him of what he'd done, this to you may sound stupid however Nina and I take it seriously. Trevor stopped his bicycle, turned around to us and said words that made me question what i believe, it went something like this "I'm a man who believes in God, I put all my trust and faith into the alpha the omega, the see all and know all, do you think he'd let a few drains hurt me?" These words opened my eyes, I'm still not sure what i believe, but it made me happy to think that someone had so much faith and hope for something that so many people are so derogatory about, something so many people feel the need to cuss. It wasn't just Trevor's optimism that surprised me, after talking to us for a while he took a Tesco's carrier bag off his bicycle and revealed the contents to us. There were two green frogs sat there looking up at us, he had been moving them off the damp road so they didn't get hit by cars, then releasing them into the lake. Such faith, optimism and compassion is admirable in my eyes. And As Trevor cycled off, the cross around his neck swung from side to side, the lights he'd placed on his hat light up the path ahead and I stood in awe of the man I'd just met.

Mmmmm

i love it when out of nowhere, something good happens. Such a positive outlook lately, If anyone even bothers trying to get me down i'm not having any of it.

finally

i feel happy.
i actually feel happy, for no reason really whatsoever, but i'm smiling.
For the last few days now, i've been so happy.
I think i've finally figured out i don't need some things and some people in my life.
That i'm better off without them.
From now on, i'm going to follow my head abit more instead of always my heart.

This probably

sounds ridiculous, and makes me out to be a nasty, bitch person. But i'm going to try and stop talking about other people in a negative way, or atleast cut down on it. I feel like I'm becoming rather bitchy and i don't like that side of me. So starting from tommorow, i'm going to refrain from making comments about people even if they're horrible about me. I know it's human nature, C'est la vie and all of that, but I don't want to become what i've grown to detest, i don't want to become like the people who have made me feel insecure and upset in the past. So tommorow is day 1. Wish me luck.

Sometimes

i wish that i could turn the clocks back, see how things could have been.
I believe everything happens for a reason, but is it always a good reason?

friendship

is what i feel one of the most important things you gain from life. Yes material possesions are great whilst they last but when you're dead and gone they mean nothing. When your six feet under the latest gadget isn't really going to come in handy is it? I feel as if i need to rekindle lost friendships, there are so many people whom i've drifted apart from. Yesterday i was delighted to spend time with a few friends that i hadnt seen in over a year. It made me realise that i can't just let friendships fade, i need to cherish them & embrace them. I'm going to make it a priority to spend more time with old friends as well as my new ones. In my opinion life is nothing if your on your own or if you buy your friends. Being surrounded by people who genuinely love you for who you are is what means the most.

I have the feeling

This Summer is going to be one to remember. I'm feeling more positive now, i actually opened my eyes for once, wide enough to see that of course life's going to knock me down sometimes, but i've just got to get back up as soon as it does. So from now on instead of letting these bad times get the best of me, i'm going to just push them aside and get on with my life. If people get me down then instead of it getting to me, i'm going to rise above them and not let myself sink to their level. If I'm only an option to someone i'm not going to make them a priority. I don't care if you think i'm spewing out cliche after cliche, because even if i am, atleast it's a way of life that's going to keep me positive instead of letting myself feel down. I'm going to live my life how I want and at the end of the day "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

bite your tounge child

People don't take time to listen. They jump to their own conclusions or just block out what you have to say. Once in a while I'd like to just be able to explain how I'm feeling or why I'm acting in certain ways. People need to actually think before they speak, sometimes they don't understand just how hurt you can get from what they say. The last couple of days my emotions have been all over the place, and sometimes it'd be nice if people could accept that and not just make it worse.But obviously not. It's also strange that sometimes you think your okay with things but actually, you feel as if there's a sinking feeling in your stomach every time you think about the situation. You realise that your putting on a brave face, behind that smile there's a girl who's hope is starting to fade away. Disregarding age, the heart is still a very delicate thing. It's a horrible feeling when you see that actually your not fine, things aren't okay, your left alone, again.

They say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but that's so very hard to believe when you feel like this.