My own insecurities have me becoming more distant from the world every day

On the bus to college, it takes me an hour so I thought I would start making use of this time. Its raining outside. I tend to ignore everyone else on these journeys, put on my music and stare out the window. We have a new bus driver and he keeps slamming on the breaks, I dislike this. The weather matches my mood right now. Its so strange looking back at what things were like a year ago, I've grown up so much, met so many new people and learnt so much. However when it comes to this whole 'new year , new start' malarky I think its a load of rubbish. You can change in a year, but just because its a new year doesn't mean things will automatically be amazing. I really don't know where I'm going with this. I just think that it was silly of me to think that 2010 would bring change so early. Hmm

3:33

Leave me alone.

Sometimes I think that I read too much into the birds. Somehow I find significance in their actions. I think too much.

6.59

I'm choosing to write on here because i know nobody reads this, yesterday a sort of relationship ended, well not a relationship, somebody that i took a fancy to and i decided there wasn't much point going any further. I was fine with it overall, but now i've become lonely, not because of this particular person but because i've realised being single really does suck. I've never had a proper relationship, all the previous 'boyfriends' or 'boys i've been seeing' haven't been real relationships. I just want something that lasts, that makes me happy, that works.

nobody reads this so i'm just going to post this, i need to vent. I hate the fact that i have hardly any girl mates that have the same interests as me, don't get me wrong i love my friends, but it would be nice to have a few more that have more i have things in common with.

Do something for your self, or don't do it at all.

I finally got a job, it's not exactly what i wanted to do, but it's a job nonetheless. In a few weeks time i'll get paid money that i have earnt myself, this makes me happy. Life is suprisingly good at the moment, i'm not going to dwell on certain things that have made me upset, because well, whats the point?. This summer i'm going  to go to Belgium and the Czech republic. I can't wait. Gives me something to look forward to and save up for. 2010 will be a good year, i'm going to make sure of it.

they say you never realise how much something means to you until its gone. true that.

october leaves.

People are ignorant, people are arrogant, people are scum. Well, the majority atleast. Theres a handful that are genuine, or so i hope. It may sound as if i'm being rather negative but i'm really not, just realistic. It just makes me angry when you are all oblivious when it comes to people who are genuinley bad people. Open your eyes. Is it not obvious to you that they aren't kind, they aren't nice, so why are you so convinced they are?  This city, is full to the brim of terible people, this summer, i'm getting out of here. That's not a proposition, it's a promise.

j'adore l'hiver

I need to vent.
The world does not revolve around you. It makes me laugh, you feel the need to make inside jokes about me to someone you've met twice. At first i felt upset, then it turned to anger, now it's just pity. I'm happy with who i am, so i really could not care less what your opinion on me is. I'm not arrogant, i don't think i'm better than people so just drop it it's boring now. This is my last post about this whole situation because i really cannot be bothered to waste my time. I just needed to get that out. 3 years down the drain.

your scum.

Fear

Some people never learn, no remorse, no respect, no nothing. At the end of the day everything happens for a reason. I'll live.

i wish we didnt have emotions sometimes
it just makes everything too confusing.

p.s

i need to control my anger.

im really excited about this winter.
im really excited about life.
i want to meet new people, get closer to the people ive drifted from, spend time with the people i love most.

theres a handful of people that i hold close to my heart, and it's getting less and less constantly.
i don't know how alot of them feel about me anymore. It really gets to me.
then there are other cases when i know exactly how they feel and i don't want to believe it.
when friends turn to aquaintances, when the ones you've loved turn to strangers, it gets you down.
i'm in a positive mindset, but its something thats on my mind lately.
i've met so many new people over the last few weeks, it's amazing how quickly friendships have been made and how close everyone seems already, however i still miss my other friends.
at times i hate emotions, i hate humanity, i truly do.
Tonight i realised how much i love one of my closest friends, sometimes its odd how something you think would push you apart, brings you closer.
This post is all over the place but oh well, just need to vent a tad.
I also came to the conclusion yesterday that i have changed, i'm glad. I don't care what you all think of me, im happy with who i am, i'm proud of the person i've become.
I also realised, i don't need a certain someone in a certain way, i was a fool for being so stupid. Your a liar, a player and a user. You said it, friends, and thats how it will always be regardless of what happens in the future, that was your last chance.
I realised that i want to be a photographer, it's what i want to do, i've got determination, i will do it.
I realised that stupid little girls that make up rumours don't deserve my time.
I realised that i need to stop letting myself get into a position where i'm messed around.
I realised that i need to start working hard and get organised & responsible.
I realised alot basically.